Steve @ Clarion

So... the Bad

2006-08-15T15:36:46Z

Well, Clarion's been over for more than a week. Guess I can make some reflections on the experience. For now though, they will be all the adverse things I have learned and experienced at Clarion. A year from now, I'll consider the good. I think that's fair.

THE BAD
Motivations

If your motivation for attending Clarion is to learn how to sell short stories then I recommend you find another reason. Yes, the instructors will go through chats on how to submit, where to submit, and so forth. But all these talks are no different from the countless posts online at writers' sites or articles/passages from Writer's Digest products. Clarion cannot guarantee sales or make you more marketable. I have no idea if slush readers are liable to pull a writer out of the muck because he/she is a Clarion grad. But, even so, the story needs to stand on its own.

If your motivation for attending Clarion is to make friends then be prepared for the normal struggle. After all, if you're obnoxious or shy or some other social misfit, being trapped with the same people for 6 weeks in a stressful environment is not going to make you wittier, more attractive, or friendlier. More likely, it will only worsen your normal foibles. Yes, all the other students are interested in writing, but they are a) more interested in their writing first and foremost, b) busy trying to read and write at a madcap pace, and c) not always interested in the same sort of fiction you are.

Any hope to suddenly befriend an instructor and earn a mentor should be dissuaded. While I admire and enjoyed the time spent with all 6 authors, I will say that the first 4 all seemed distant. Perhaps because I hold them with such esteem, but I never got the sense that they had any investment in my success and that they would forget me after leaving Michigan as they do the gawky fellow that bags their groceries when they walk out the supermarket. It's a shame, as human nature wishes to be recognized and admired. That most likely will never happen.

Established Writers

If you are an established writer considering Clarion, ask yourself what do you hope to get out of it. While this seems like an obvious question to pose (by any applicant), established or professional writers need to pay special attention. I never did beyond wanting to question Chip Delany about the pros/cons of writing gay spec fic. My answer was as expected (and thus troubling/upsetting). If I had been smart, I would have tried to write stories based on my perceived weaknesses and sought answers. I failed to do so and thus wasted Clarion.

Also, some students will be resentful of any talk about your published work. It happens. If you turn in drafts that are not polished, there are some students who will take delight in bringing you down from any perch, whether it is a perceived one or not.

Cliques

Clarion can be a return to high school. Remember those bad movies or dreams when you find yourself reliving your life as a dorky teen? Why do so many of those plots always hinge upon being a different person and changing your future? It doesn't happen. People regress back into their old personae. By the 2nd week, there were factions splitting a good many students. Time spent writing or talking about writing had to compete with gossip. Gossip is a fun chunk of opium to burn but it leaves you tense and paranoid and wishing you had spent your hours more wisely.

Do the cliques survive the workshop? I wonder. I hope the people I came to admire and want to spend time with return the favor. But distance and real-life problems take their toll on any friendship.

First Impressions

Giddy at being around so many people, I made a bad decision of presenting myself as a lovable blowhard. Obviously, a good many people did not find this behavior so endearing. I should have gone with very quiet home Steve instead. There were many times I was joking about doing certain things and people took my jests as literal.

Be wary of the first impression you are giving. For the most part, it will haunt you for all 6 weeks.

Critiquing

A bad critique is hard to get over. Period. I know. Yet, I was guilty of leveling harsh comments on a number of pieces. I wonder how effective that was. Part of me regrets it - did it help or simply devastate? - and another feels that the writer needed to be given bitter medicine. I never completely got over the problems mentioned in Stories #1 and 2.

Writing

Clarion is not for the slow writer. If you are the sort who likes to tinker and meander and coax a first draft out of you, I would avoid Clarion. There is an unstated pressure to produce a story a week. While it's not a rule, it's expected and encouraged. Thus, writing less than 6 stories while attending the workshop makes a writer feel as if they had failed or not done their best. Also, if you are a terse writer or someone who tends to write shorter fiction or drafts, then Clarion can also leave you feeling inadequate; in my class there were several students who turned in 9K+ length pieces in a week. I do not think I ever broke 5K. I may have contributed the fewest words on average. It's hard to feel good about such stories unless they were intended as flash.

There is also a pressure to write only spec fic. A couple other students had expressed interest in submitting something different and were pressured not to stray from the expected path. Who pressured them? Well, there was this overall sense that every story must have developed spec fic elements and some critiques harangued this to death.

Writing Mindset

If you are not confident about your ability, if you are fragile or sensitive, Clarion will not toughen you. Instead, it will break you. Trust me. I left feeling worse about my writing than when I came into the workshop. Yes, the assholes that disliked me at the workshop can take great delight in a broken Steve. Whoohoo.

I recommend that optimism be the mindset for applicants. Be hopeful or else stay home.

Also, writing is not fair. There will be students who are praised or even bought by instructors. You can sit back and be utterly perplexed why that story they have written that you disliked so much was beloved by an instructor or offered a contract. This will prepare you for life. I cannot offer advice on how to deal with this. Basically, some people succeed and others are doomed to fail.

Other Issues...

Try and take care of as many Back Home issues as possible to prevent emergencies and crises. The computer debacle really threw me for almost a week. I lost the will to write far too earlier (it happened again on week 6). While one cannot predict everything, I cannot stress how good it would have been to backup files, add passwords, and expect a problem based on my father's past misadventures.

Also, some students must have been bothered by my close relationship with Holly and the fact I knew Kelly as well. I think this is incredibly stupid. Would two consummate professionals jeopardize their integrity and reputation to favor one person among 22? Please. Yet people were convinced, I'm sure, that some of this happened.

Honestly, I can see why some Clarion graduates do not write for a year afterward or even ever again. I'm hard pressed to want to continue based on what I have learned. I'm sure many will read this and think I've joined the Sour Grapes. We'll see how I feel about the entire experience next year.

Ride with 2 witches!

2006-08-06T19:54:55Z

So I survived the very long drive back to blackholly's house in Amherst.

14 hrs or so counting breaks and stops.

Once we hit Hwy 90, I was permitted to drive - Holly had told Kelly how I lack a sense of direction and have gotten lost often.

The topic of deconstructing Clarion stories as unconscious commentaries on workshopping and writing came up. How ironic that my Story #5 ended with two witches abducting children in an ice cream truck - which could be read as a commentary on my wish that the last two instructors would guide readers (hungry children) to my workshopped short stories (the witches trapped in an old age home).

In many ways, I learned more about writing (and viewing writing) in those 14 hrs than I did in the 6 weeks. Not to slight the workshop, but there were moments I regret happened (though not the ones most people would assume - ha ha!).

Not sure what else to say about the ride. No, I did not make Kelly Link cry. Shudder on occasion, yes I think. I shed no tears either but did cringe at moments. But throughout there was much pondering and much laughing.

Yesterday and today

2006-08-05T13:43:24Z

So after the last round of critiques, we had a day of play. There was a barbeque (which thankfully I did not administer). Holly and Kelly brought out the water guns and what ensued was a messy and wet bout of escalation between me, will_ludwigsen and Kelly (all started when they soaked my but through a window - much to my surprise). She pulled the trump card, a ice-cold bottle of orange-flavored Faygo dumped on me. I stunk like a citrus in heat. She's evil. I bought her a zombie nose lollipop.

Then we played games of Mafia and Thing. Mafia trumped 3 out of 3 without losing a single Family Member. I can proudly say I was Mafia twice and impressed people with an understated game. I also narrated twice - once time Mafia (in which I made a slight error that cost Kelly the game - oops, revenge for the orange soda!) and once with Thing. The latter involved much talk of me spawning. I think more of the players were frightened of my narration than that their fellow scientists may be aliens.

Much bittersweet goodbyes occured yesterday. One of my goals at Clarion was to meet new friends. I am happy to say I accomplished that.

Went to bed around 1:30. Slept well.

This morning, I got breakfast. The hottest student in the dorms was once again working the cafeteria register. I chitchatted with him for the first time and told him he should not be an accounting student but a model. He asked what sort with a laugh. I replied, Any kind! Ahh, hormones.

Now I am waiting for Holly and Kelly to rise. We're driving back to Massachusetts. All my fellows' critiques are packed away, my books too (I'll be leaving most at Holly's house), and my plush animals are coming back with me. I'll be home on Monday night.

octobersclarion @ 2006-08-04T15:42:00

2006-08-04T19:44:26Z

I wish I left more than just the tip

2006-08-04T01:14:52Z

So aimeepoyter, thatmadgirl, will_ludwigsen and I went out for dinner. Chilli's. We had the cutest waiter, Matt. Tall, very handsome. I was so smitten. So much so that I left him like a 40% tip and a brief note that said "Thanks for being so cute, Steve." I didn't dare leave a number or an email address - after all, I'm only here for two nights. Not that I think he would call.

Yeah.

If only

2006-08-03T12:50:44Z

If only I had a PC laptop, I would be able to swip pix posted by other classmates of events and feature them on this LJ.

At last night's reading/ceremony, a gentleman named Mike brought a copy of the Field Guide for Holly to sign. Then he came over to me and pulled out a copy of Trysts for me to autograph. Gah. I was not ready for that surprise and felt utterly embarassed. Apparently he had been the kind person that bought the book from the 2005 Clarion fund-drive auction.

Vintage continues to escape me. I am also using Kelly Link's illness (touch of the flu) as an excuse to avoid the story she requested. Yeah, I'm a terrible guy.

Fried

2006-08-02T21:21:46Z

So, much like everywhere else in the country, East Lansing is scorched. Yes, my room does have air-conditioning but the unit is old and struggles to keep the room cooler than 80. I am tired, sweaty, fearful of an Ambien addiction, and ready to return to the comfort of my folk's apartment, drama that is familiar to me, and my cat.

Though I was 'officially' finished on Monday, I have been struggling with one more story. Kelly Link's request. I have been failing miserably. Oh, I have started several paragraphs of 4 different pieces but each and every one has returned to my normal method of writing. I seem unable to tackle the simplest thing - focusing on a unique voice. Ugh. Is my brain so taxed? Or is this proof of Grubb Streetdom?

I wonder how many people here will consider me "That Guy" - Chris Barzak warned me not to fall into this role and I think I accidentally did on many an occasion. It's too late now. Ahh, Chris, do I ever listen?

Tonight is Holly and Kelly's reading and the handing out of certificates. Attendance is mandatory. Sigh. I feel wilted for my photo.

Thank goodness when I return home there will be no cute men. I'm tired of moping over them. It has not helped the fiction writing either - if anything, I fall back into a comfort zone of ideas.

Well, just finished dinner. Not sure if anyone else decided to avoid the crowd tonight; the class wanted to order take-out and eat in the critique room before heading out.

octobersclarion @ 2006-08-01T14:30:00

2006-08-01T18:35:06Z

"Delicious" received mixed results but overall a positive grade. Classmates and instructors both brought up excellent points that need to be integrated. It will be the first story I work on revising post-Clarion.

Again, I still feel as if I did not stretch myself as far as I should have. Ah, Clarion regrets. Also, I am no more closer to having the confidence to pursue another novel. In fact, it's the reverse as looking through the galley pages of Vintage is quite disheartening.

Writing is definitely not for the faint of heart. But it's an even worse professional pursuit for the faint of esteem.

Last story

2006-08-01T11:23:00Z

So today Story #5 "Delicious" receives its hour in the critique circle. It will be my last tale workshopped at Clarion. If I can, I'll work on a brief piece just for Kelly Link's eyes as she challenged me to expand my sense of voice. My meeting with her was very pleasant. I'm in a different spot than many of my fellow Clarionites. Lately I have become dissatisfied with my current writing/my old style but, except for one story "Kinder," I told tales as normal here (well, I did write a sf piece).

"Delicious" has many flaws. It's technically a 2nd draft. I already realize some mistakes - major and minor. I have a month or so to make the revisions before mailing the story off to the editors.

I am still processing the entire Clarion experience so far. I am hoping that it has not been a regretful experience. A lot of the domestic and computer problems at home caused me grief. A few other anxiety and usual worries cropped up as well. And, have I grown as a writer or slipped? Holly mentioned last night that to grow in the direction I have been envying requires the luxury of being accepting of substandard drafts to begin with - I need to allow for failure while embracing the New. But, basing all my esteem on writing makes this impossible, as it allows for now divide between Me and the Writing.

Anyway, time for coffee. I'll post more later.

Been too long...

2006-07-30T14:13:45Z

Been too long since I posted.

Been too long since I got seriously tipsy (I need to find a word between tipsy and drunk, because I did achieve this state).

Been too long since I told a story involving Mike.

Been too long since I dressed up in drag or undead (both being in the late 80s). I never have done both before.

Been too long since I lost my temper with someone. But, I have had enough, my patience threadbare. My only regret is that it had an audience.

Been too long since I was home.

octobersclarion @ 2006-07-27T19:19:00

2006-07-27T23:23:07Z

No fair. Either the Gay Gods are being slightly, oh so slightly generous or cruel. My vote is for the latter. I walked to Taco Bell for lunch (yes, see, I am insane on week 5) and sitting there were two incredibly beautiful college guys (not together, they were with friends or lovers or whatever). Sigh. Hmm, should I consider this a form of aversion therapy?

Oh yeah, I sorta finished Story #5, tentatively entitled "Delicious." As of now it's 2.3K words and meant for middle-grade readers. I plan on submitting a finalized version in August to an upcoming Datlow/Windling anthology. So yeah, all sorts of potential anxiety there.

POV

2006-07-27T10:59:10Z

So I can feel rational perspective slipping away. It is difficult to pull back and not be emotional. Is this a matter of being 5 weeks away from home and family and normal environment? Or simply being confronted by so much damn writing and talent? I am not sure.

Turtle savior!

2006-07-27T01:43:18Z

So turns out I am not sick. At least, physically. yesterday's nasal madness was short-lived. Allergies.

Today I had my Clarion breakthrough. No, not about writing. I discovered my true calling in life. Turtle savior. Leaving VanHooters Hall for the cafeteria, I happened by Divine Providence to look down by the door and saw the cutest little turtle. Maybe 2 inches in diameter. He seemed bewildered. I did not want him trampled (or smothered by bad critiques), so I picked him up. He closed his eyes. I hope it was in gratitude (probably fighting back reptilian tears). He looked so cute. Some stringy much clung to parts of him and I freed him of the impediment. Then I carried him gently to a more lush area with soft grass and an escape to the wild area of campus.

When I came back from dinner, he had departed.

I felt a swell of purpose.

octobersclarion @ 2006-07-25T17:12:00

2006-07-25T21:14:21Z

I'm sick. May be a cold. I cannot stop sniffing and sneezing. I blame Holly's whiskey - she must have spiked it with some weird bugaboo.

Damn. Clarion is not the place for being sick. Besides the stress of writing, the campus is overally stuffy and warm and there's not a box of soft Kleenex close at hand.

In other news, I cannot stand what I typed for Story #5. It's bleh. Like how I feel. So I think I shall abandon it and see what else I can come up with for Friday morning.

I'm not flat but I play one on TV

2006-07-25T10:57:54Z

Am very tired. I woke at my customary 6am (with help from the cell phone alarm). I tried going to bed at 10:30pm last night but I could not stop thinking. I worked on a scene in Story #5 - which involves Japanese gangsters (blame Kelly Link) and monsters. Did that until laptop juiced out then took a half an Ambien and finally fell asleep at nearly 1am.

So blackholly and Kelly Link are here, obviously. Though somewhat biased, I think most would agree that their first critique session offered a lot of insight. I know that something Holly said about not losing track of the Human Story - the elements of the tale you are telling that do not involve the supernatural - need to be fostered has helped with the revision of Vintage as well as other things.

I miss my cat, my bed, my cramped bedroom and being able to drive someplace and get away. 6 weeks of this strange not-so-isolation is very tiring.

I am glad to be spreading seeds - many of my fellow classmates have been working on surreal botany experiments.

This past weekend, we had the Clarion 2k6 barbeque. Many of my fellow students were shocked (and maybe appalled) that I took command of the grill at one point. I'm not as shallow as I pretend. Well, not as nearly.

Oh, almost forgot, my Story #4 received a pretty fine grade from the critique circle. It has problems, of course, since it's an early draft. But the absurdism seemed to go over well and Kelly Link paid me an incredible compliment while offering terrific suggestions on how to fix the weak ending.

I have noticed a nasty flaw in my writing - or perhaps only my early drafts. I write characters who have monotone emotional responses. Bleh. This is the 2-3 time I have been called on this at circle. Flat Steve.

The thought of having 5 stories needing revision when I return home is intimidating - I have other crap to fix and write as well. I wonder if this is why so many Clarionites take breaks from writing. Revision can be problematic. But I often complain I am not writing enough, so I won't have the excuse of lack of projects.

Story #4

2006-07-21T15:44:32Z

So I actually did turn in Story #4 - "Kinder" - this morning for Monday's critique circle. Otherwise we would have only 2 stories and a bottleneck effect yet again. I realize the end is a bit rushed and not as detailed as the earlier portions, but oh well. Now I can spend the weekend finishing up two freelance projects.

I also hope that thatmadgirl will revise her 4th story in time to submit it to the Mirrorstone anthology.

octobersclarion @ 2006-07-20T20:20:00

2006-07-21T00:22:57Z

We're having a party. It all began as a poetry slam and with the inclusion of pizza and drinks, it has become a social event. A lot of people are letting off steam. Joe Haldeman can really rock on the guitar and Alex Wilson is poised to usurp his throne (well, he needs to start composing).

And no one died when I read my poem.

I have 3 loooong stories to read. There's no way I'll be finished Story #4 by tomorrow morning. I'll email it out this weekend.

Work and gestures

2006-07-20T02:57:52Z

So I have been slowly working on Story #4 which involves kinder and hats. I also have a poetry assignment due tomorrow night: a Shakespearean sonnet that involves life extension. Bleh. Oh well, I'll figure it out somehow.

So apparently some of my fellow students are under the misguided impression that I make exaggerated gestures while talking. That's just insane. I think this photo has been photo-shopped to support these allegations.

octobersclarion @ 2006-07-18T18:57:00

2006-07-18T23:03:15Z

So my meeting with the Haldeman's went very well. I became tipsy fairly quickly from the offered cup of red wine.

They gave excellent advice on the novel proposal and gave the project two thumbs up. Of course, this means I should probably work on such a book. Sheesh.

We also discussed Story #3. More kind compliments that made me blush again (or was that the wine>). Both think the end is flawed - I agree it is a weak finish. Joe then helped me plot out the perfect ending for the story. I left the meeting elated.

A week off

2006-07-18T11:34:56Z

The fabled Michigan summer heat has finally arrived. High temperatures and high humidity. My air conditioner wheezes out some cool air, so sleeping is not too difficult, but the rest of Owen Hall feels like a sauna.

I volunteered not to turn in a short story this week. Between freelance work and trouble at home, my heart just was not invested in rushing a story. Plus, the one that held my attention did not seem like a proper fit for the Haldemans (who are wonderful). My plan is to have it finished for Friday morning and help break the pattern of Mondays with only 2 stories to critique.

I have a conference with the Haldemans this afternoon. We'll talk about Story #3 (which was science-fiction) and go over a novel proposal. I need to focus on the novel when I am finished with Clarion.

My gaydar finally picked up another gay man on campus. He was a handsome fellow, so out of my league that I didn't dare look at him.

octobersclarion @ 2006-07-16T23:21:00

2006-07-17T03:28:21Z

I'm sorry to see Nancy leave. She was a terrific instructor (though I disagree with her assessment of some writers). Oh well. And here is Joe & Gay Haldeman. He's also a source of inspiration. I very much enjoyed listening to his introduction. Some times it's more important to learn a sense of history than craft.

Joe has also not received a copy of Sex in the System, the erotic sf enthology with both our stories. Damn. Not that I expected him to rave about "Caught by Skin" but I just would have liked to know his thoughts on the book.

I abandoned the umpteenth idea for Story #4 and worked from scratch in aimeempayne's room with thatmadgirl. I ended up with 1,500 words of a weird, weird story that is not complete. I think I may be able to finish this by Tues morning in time to submit it for Wed or (more likely with the madcap rush by other students) Thurs' circle.

If I can finish it by then, I'll be able to work on the superhero story and submit that to the editor by the week's end.

That's the plan.

Bad distractions

2006-07-16T16:49:15Z

So the greatest problem with Clarion is that one should really be more isolated.

Right now, between the computer fiasco, finances, pressing deadlines on invites and submissions, relationship issues, and a whole new situation that began today, I am an anxious mess. I have a stomach that is twisting painfully. I do not want to write at the moment. I'm too distracted. Unfortunately, you can't afford to be or else you miss valuable time.

I'm not sure what I shall do today. I have a few hundred words on Story #4. But I may take a full Ambien and sleep the afternoon away. But that will affect my sleep cycle. I wish I had brought some Vicodin or Xanax or something.

I had hoped to leave all my normal neuroses behind in NJ and instead I discover they have been dominating me.

Meetings

2006-07-15T13:17:08Z

So my conference with Nancy Kress went well. She's a delightful person. In some ways I have learned more from her than the others - I think it's because she never intimidated me. I do recognize she's brilliant, but she has learned how to interact with students rather than just react.

She made me see how shallow my characterization has been on my submissions. We both agree I am not the sort of writer that Clarion favors - people who write and revise quickly and prolifically. I have never consistently worked this way and am actually hampered by the stress caused by this. Even when faced with deadlines, I rarely have less than 2nd drafts to work with before submitting.

Now this is not to say the slow and ponderous writers should avoid Clarion. Because you can take away new perceptions and techniques on writing back home with you to improve your craft. Also, any advice that aids in the development of first drafts is useful.

I also had a drama meeting. As in, I had to have a chat with a fellow classmate over some problems. I know that several 2k6 Clarionites have avoided drama. I tried to do this, but apparently failed. I tried to convey that I want no problems during the next 3 weeks but I have my doubts. However, I refuse to be sucked into another person's black hole while I am here. Unless it's a hot college guy. Ooops. Sorry.

Speaking of hot guys... no, nothing like that happened. But a few classmates went out to that same bar and I joined them. This time I drank and I did not feel so alien. It also was a smaller crowd, I knew the people better, and it felt more like friends hanging out than something forced. So I had a great time.

Story #3 results

2006-07-14T18:21:25Z

Well, Story #3 was critiqued today. Yesterday I realized I had failed to offer details on the colony world or the med-center. That was, of course, a common criticism. Another consensus was confusion over one key character - many thought she might be a machine rather than a person with altered genetics.

Nancy's main criticism was that I failed to dramatize. She told me I had a good story hidden under some muck. I haven't had my conference with her -- that is in about an hr.

I'm pleased with the critiques. I knew that the story was far from perfect. This was only my 2nd attempt at science-fiction and I focused more on weaving in the hard science in the 1st draft (to mixed results as I held back too much).

My goal for weeks 4-6 are to focus on dramatization in plot and personality. Story #1 was hampered by grammatical issues but people liked the oddness. Story #2 was weakened with reserved characters. Story #3 still had problems with character depth at
an early draft.

Remembering that my submissions are 1st drafts (well, more like 1.5s) is key. I feel that all the stories can be fixed with varying degrees of revision. I rarely have ever sold stories at the 2nd draft stage (and those have been mostly to erotica markets). I did a great deal of reworking and revising with "Price of Glamour" and "Wagers of Gold Mountain" - my biggest sales to date.

Nearly finished, the week that is.

2006-07-13T11:17:39Z

So I did finally get back into my room. The key slipped in effortlessly so I figured the locksmith had stopped by while I read the next day's stories. I napped for a while, then wrote.

A knock at the door.

It's the locksmith. Weird. For some reason my key had shifted allegiances again. His trained vision discovered my key was slightly bent (this was the replacement key they gave me, btw).

So rather than get shafted with a huge bill, I'm hoping a bent key will last the next 3 weeks.

I did finally finish Story #3, "The Laws of Color." It's SF. Not sure if it's hard SF or not. That definition seems a bit nebulous. I also have no idea if it's crap. I'm just relieved it's out.

I don't want to think about Story #4. I think I shall do something so weird that it purges this week from my mind.